You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
