You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
