i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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