What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
