Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
