she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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