...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
