when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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