but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
