I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
