This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I puked a lego.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize