i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
In other news, I just burned my penis
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
