He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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