Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
