i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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