You just made me feel so damn special
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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