I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
