i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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