Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
