How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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