I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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