Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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