oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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