im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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