I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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