I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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