omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
