Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
