my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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