dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
