i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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