My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
