Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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