She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
