I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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