and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
