I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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