My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
