Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
