You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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