I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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