miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
