There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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