Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
