i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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