Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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