a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Your cock deserves a montage
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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