And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
