Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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