my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
