Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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