There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
