Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
