dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize
