If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
