oh god the rape fog is back!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
