I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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