I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
