Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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