The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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