Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It's shark week go big or go home
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
