I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
