I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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